How to Make Friends in a New City (as a Grown Up)
It's not easy, but Pimento Cheese helps.
My husband and I often talk about how, as you get older, friendships don’t just happen by default anymore. You have to make more of an effort.
In our 20s, we made friends at work or simply because we had all landed in the same big city from smaller hometowns, all in pursuit of big dreams and “making it.” Anyone in the same boat was instantly part of the friend group—the more, the merrier!
By our 30s, I was working for myself, so new connections came through business networking or friends of friends. And by then we had many years of deepening the friendships we had through shared experiences of travel, weddings, heartbreak etc.
But when we moved from LA to Raleigh in our 40s, my biggest fear was that we would have a hard time making friends. After all, we don’t have kids! How would we relate to people here, but more importantly, how would people here relate to us?
The first couple we met in Raleigh were our next door neighbors, David and Jane. Through them, I learned one of the most important life lessons: what it truly means to be a good neighbor. David shows love through food, and it’s rare for more than a few weeks to go by without a delivery of his famous pimento cheese (recipe at the end), roasted peanuts, or, if I’m lucky, a pot of his Brunswick Stew (he literally brings it over in a Le Creuset pot for 2! I really want one of these!).
In LA, we joked that if you knew your neighbor’s name it was a rarity. In Raleigh, David and Jane hosted a welcome party for us within weeks, inviting all the other neighbors so we could get to know them. Even though, most of them are deep in the trenches of parenting teenagers, we quickly felt like part of the community. We’re all on a text chain, and when my cat August went missing, our neighbors helped—like actually came outside and walked around with me (Thank you, Billy!).
They also extended constant invitations for cocktails or impromptu hangouts, making sure we always felt included—even when our lives looked very different. Without them, I half-joke that I might’ve packed up and moved back to LA within six months. I could never repay the kindness they have showed us, but I have vowed to pay it forward in whatever small ways I can.
By year two, despite knowing and really liking our neighbors, I knew that I needed to figure out a way to meet more people. My husband was going to a small gym, where you work out in small groups. He finds out all the best Raleigh gossip and has met some great people. Through one of the guys he met, I met his wife Kate. She also owns her own business, and I knew right away that she was “my people.” She invited me to a small group of women entrepreneurs she puts together for coffee once a month.
Though that group, I have gotten to know some of the coolest, most creative women in Raleigh.
One of the very first people I connected with here, though, wasn’t through coffee or neighbors—it was via Instagram. My friend Daisy and I met online before I even moved, and when we finally met in person, we clicked instantly (and she lives right down the street!). She travels to D.C. often for work (she’s also in the design industry), so I don’t see her as much as I’d like, but she’s in the Cookbook Club too—and I adore her. I always feel lucky when our schedules line up.
That first summer in NC, my sister-in-law came to visit. She had a friend who had recently moved from Brooklyn back to Durham, so we made plans to all meet up for July 4th. The moment I met Thea, it was clear that we had a lot in common. She was also craving more community, so I invited her to our monthly coffee group.
Now she’s my NC bestie. And the bonus? My husband is just as obsessed with her husband as I am with her. Total couple friend jackpot!
My friend, who recently moved from LA to Denver, asked me after I moved what I was willing to do to get the community that I said I wanted. I thought on this for a long time, until one day it dawned on me! Start the cookbook club that you didn’t have space to start in LA!
I was a little nervous because I only knew a hand full of people here, but I decided to put a call out to the entrepreneur group (we have an IG group). That first cookbook club I had 10 women around my table—including Thea, Kate, and Daisy, of course! I couldn’t believe it. Some of them, I had never even met.
Now I count Jess, Brooke, Jen, Liz, Kiara, Jillian, Mary Beth, Abbie and Heather as friends I can’t wait to see—and they include me in things they are doing.
It feels really good to feel included, and it’s changed the way I treat other people. Not that I ever meant to intentionally leave anyone out, but moving humbles you. When you’re the odd woman out, you realize on a whole new level how powerful it is to make someone else feel welcome. No mean girl energy here!
I was recently telling my friend who moved from LA to Philly about my cookbook club, and I told her that I started it for 2 reasons. One—because I collect cookbooks and love to cook, so this was a natural interest. Two—because I needed a way to deepen new friendships beyond a once a month coffee.
I have also found that Cookbook Club is the easiest way to throw a really fun dinner party because the host is only responsible for one dish. Everyone else brings something from the cookbook you choose. We’ve now had 4 dinners and they included Big Night, Ina Garten Go-To Dinners, Molly Baz Cook This Book and Ottolenghi Simple. We all agreed the food from Ottolenghi was the stand out (no surprise to me, he’s been my favorite for years).
Shared experiences beyond just the occasional dinner out or drinks is what will strengthen friendships as you get older. If you’ve found yourself in a similar boat, moving somewhere new a little later in life, how have you made friends?
Pimento Cheese Recipe
* The perfect thing to bring new neighbors or have on hand for impromptu guests
Ingredients:
1 8 oz bag of finely shredded sharp cheddar cheese (you can shred your own, but make it easy on yourself!)
1/2 cup good mayo (Actually, it’s a little bit less, but you have to eyeball it!)
1 small jar of sweet sliced pimentos (3 oz or 4 oz jar works)
Black Pepper
Directions:
Using a fork, combine all the ingredients in a large bowl, adding the mayo a little bit at the time until you get a spreadable consistency. It’s easy to put too much mayo, so start with less! If your pimentos are on the large side, cut them up a bit more with kitchen shears or a knife. Add a few grinds of black pepper.
Store in an air tight container in the refrigerator for up to a week.
*Serve with crackers, sliced veggies, put on a burger! It goes on everything, honestly.
Can’t wait to visit and meet your new friends!